potentiality, luminous nature, everflow of nonbecoming, original expansive pureness, formless clarit

what lips like to linger in shadows of longer loving?
bless me for i have seen the light these past days and i am walking towards it
not any messiah or near death experience
but a great deep sleep that i could only get in one corner of this house (i child you not)

so what do we have at our core?
somenothing that is not subject to the relative laws of the current point in motion (aka time)
an infinite manifestation dimension of potentiality
what is my role on the planet?
am i the messiah? or am i the vagabond?

nothing but questions have held close to me all through out life
questions that i haven't been able to put down, until i put them down.
i put them down in zazen because in zazen there is no trial or judgement
there is no grading process or gradiate incline
there is no self reflection or self inflection
there just is sitting, and you can get better at sitting
but by sitting you don't really get better at anything
you just tend to lose your attachment to success
proportional to your loss of attachment you gain insight to what you need to survive
and that is not much, breathing, food, love, heat.
that is to say you create none of these things.
you can reside in a breath
you can receive food and love and heat
you can be all of these things if you do nothing special.
but constantly you are trying to do something special creating a need for the world to be different than it is.
but this too is perfect, for idealizing the world is to strive for change, which is to acknowledge your fundamental nature which is insolid and penetrable.

so all you can do is not add much, and you will add just enough to see past your effort into the heap of karma that you wear.
once you look back at your luggage then it will fall away if you keep looking, because it is always falling away unless you hold onto it like a possesion.
i was once told something like "i don't know about buddhism. look all around you, even a flowers basic nature is to hold on to life." That made me think. Whether you choose to hold on to life or not is irrellevant, because still you wake up and you are alive. i see plants in bondage stepping up to the sun saying take me to infinity. because creation is infinite. ok so i don't know yet.

i think of humans being selves or cells on a world in a universe. ok isn't it beautiful that the cells could be conciously taken care of and we are mandalas of a universe that modulates from dense to sparse. The more we spread out the more physical form loses its solidity. when it compacts we become solids again. but when it makes the jump to infinite oneness (conciousness or disattachment from form) anything is open for creation at that point. so the universe might be this pendulum. Every pendulum has a reason for swinging. So the universe is swinging from something beyond the universe. one moment of action that resulted in the motion of the universe. or maybe its all macro micro of the same fundamental property. everything is subject to change. no matter what direction you look, history or future, all things relative to this point are part of a dynamic flow (will it continue to flow? i don't know.)

What you consider as you, is the only thing that doesn't have to flow. it can choose to sit still and watch everything flow around it. like a rock in a stream.

so maybe the tibetans are right, that this luminous nature is somehow bound to a form through knots. where it stays still relative to the rest of expanses. Wouldn't it make sense that we must stand still to watch in a meaningful way. otherwise we just flow with the current and can't step back out of it. So it's like we tie ourselves down to gain some insight.

they say a human is the best spot to be in. humans seem to have a tame balance of lethargy and motivation. like all things in this yin yang universe we straddle the line and therefore we are in a good spot to realize or reconnect with the nervous system of all things. the underlying heartbeat of change. but why should we want to do that?
it seems to be encoded in every cell of the universe.
the words life, growth, sex, love, god, peace, enlightenment come to mind.
in other words you perhaps are not the body you live in, but you are the supreme light(and dark) which cannot be cased in.
you can be temporarily incarcerated, lost in your own translation (yes)
but even then you are in no way disconnected from the limitlessness
for time i know is non existent. its just a size of change.
its a tool we use to place causes and effects and seperate them.
at any moment you can become the whole by ceasing to manipulate your surroundings.
but alas you are constantly creating during your waking life so you forget your non creation. your potential. your expanse of mind that is quite infinite.

i think the point is that we can rejoice in being limitless beings that have the benefits of limits to see the results of their limitlessness.
so when you create something naturally individual cells are created to carry out the work load of creation. if all is consciousness then some of conciousness is temporarilly trapped in the work. it seemed like you couldn't stop all this once it happened, that the workers would develop separatist ties and get lost in a sea of creation (if i can create bread i can create anything.) well you have to come home to your potential before you break your limits because you are in the realm of that cause that endowed you with a body. that's where bodhisattvas or buddhas come in. to link you back to your original expansive pureness, which you are not necessarily fighting you are just continuing to limit your actions by your self programming. so question your self programming, question yourself and you will only grow into formless clarity, in which all is impossible(because "you" don't do anything) but all is already happening because cause and effect is simulataneous, karma is instantaneous, and you are in the everflow of nonbecoming.


I dreamt of a new house where I know atleast Adrienne and Jessy lived. There was a hole in the ceiling a sunlight in one of the rooms. You were wondering why your stereo wasn't loud enough or kept blowing out.
I walked to the grocery store which was longer than i thought it would be, while it started to rain.
As I approached this fence I thoght it was this base that the military had set up. I didn't know how to walk by unsuspicious so I slid on my belly and acted like my normal self. Well it turned out not to be military at all, but a bunch of soccer games next to a indoor athletic compound.
At the edge of the field was sohrob and some friends chatting between a match. One ball got out of hand and flew into the street. Sohrob told me not to run after it. There was this car coming that was a sporty utility vehicle and i was mad that it didn't stop and let me get the ball. After i ran for it in a valiant effort threatening to jump out in front of the car, i gave both middle fingers to the driver's rear view mirror.

Well I gave it back to them and I guess they were trying to move the game indoors because it was too wet outside. Well to my surprise the young woman who was choosing people to play called me in, but I couldn't find my shoes. They ended up still being in the street. It turned out we weren't playing indoors, but it was cool inside, you had to go down this latter (Which felt like a lot of fun...you couldn't get a burn or anything from sliding.) Their original court was a glass covering a pool, but that was way too slippery so they put this big net up and started hacking. I got one tap before it went over the edge below, I was in a bad position where you'd have to hold on to the net to do anything which limited your ability to fall.

I remember feeling inadequate but also feeling a warriors spirit coming on. I knew i was in over my head, i just was trying to learn from the process. i was kind of boisterous with my " i'm a goal tender, its a whole different world..." talk.

(no subject)

do i laugh in order to inspire
truth in suffering
blow this hole out of my third insight, my sixth chakakan
tired in suffering
caught in a landmine of past regrets, only to be dismissed by the entirity of my life's progression
for mistaken woh's inspire me and fill me with silence, only to be awoken by the bird of transgression
speaking through me, she teaches her village tribal teachings
like who's the medicine woman, and who's the cook,
from each according to his her strength
to each according to his her need
fighting the elements and holding together as humans often do
making love in the shadow of the earth, in the puzzled moon
it's that time of the month, for rapture and releases pieces
kiss me when i'm off to doubt i can't believe my doubt has subsided
and i'm wondering how i'm so safe now, when before a light was on in the distance begging me a way out of the keyless cage
i hunger for love like a monk working for god
and god is not evil
they are us, surrounded by themselves surrounded by a shroud of cells
placed up on the alter to revel in the mystery like a rumian poet lost for words and dissolved into a nice warm cup of dancing
let me lick your wounds, covergirl
i have what it takes to break your thunderous curls
i sheath what is not mine to inherit, i lay with my nipples revealing their sumptous highlights
of many moons that they wish to revolve around
caught up at a loss for werds, countries marveling in the demons of absurd
the very mention of evil brings a curdling sensation in my upper arboretum
but i am not mistaken, disolved into the game, the game in which i choose not to judge and therefore am not judged
nor punished by the assholy father, but locked up to question my own tyrannies
i fight as i please, with a sword i choose to sheath
that i inherited from ghandi. yes this same sword that was used to tear down opression
lies dormant, as an artifact of my agression.
for mine is the power and the glory of the reader
how ever she or he may interpret thusly
i keep these references on the shelves to be purchased and undersold to the lowest bidder
because without that one person struggling, we are leaving ourselves in the dust, tripping over our cups of coffe, into oversized traffic, while the stoplight plays slight of hand with pedestrians. this is the betrayal of denial, we lock ourselves up only to dissappear and re awake as a self. bloody and torn on every sharp decision. kissing and shouting our ways into corpiracy and failing to tender love and care our seeds
we prune them as bushes to punish chaotic overgrowth, underseen by millenia
i don't subscribe to this fantasy any more
i wish to abort all prejudices and panic no more over my creation, for i am a child who knows nothing. not a thing.

insightful dreams with noam chomsky and embryo

Talked with noam chomsky last night for a while
and then he made this comment "and you've been doing what? pft pf" and that last thing is him playing/testing a microphone.
and i got really mad, that he was making fun of me and maybe didn't know i had been working full time now. Instead of telling him that, i started throwing tables and stuff. Then my buddy tim came and was like "that's not very buddhist." 
"They are just material, they don't ..... have substance...." or something like that
to which Tim replied "It's not about buddhism nigel! that's not the point." With those words he was telling me that it's more important to respect beings and set a good example, than to react to them with only your needs considered.
Also, those chairs and tables weren't noam chomsky's they were of the library that we all decided to meet in.

Wow, i can be so ignorant sometimes. Thanks Tim, you really made me stop and think.

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(no subject)

oh god i wanna be one of those people that buses around and records sounds and then mixes them and makes AUDIO
how hot is that?!

kaki king

I forgot to tell you folks.
Tory and I went to see Kaki King in Cambridge Last week. It was so fucking cool. This was the first time and she had a guest with her, both playing these funky instruments that i have to find out names for. Zo and friends -last minute- met us there. A memorable reunion and parting. Tory's in Vina Del Mar, Chile for a few muts, I love Tory.


the black city girl.

consistently snug screeching dancing with her piercing
she breathes the city slow as daylight song goes hungry
gray from complacency growing in the castle's basement
She locks her left brain into ashes to win the musical nest
What song matters to beauty won by the static draw of disruption?
the black city breeze holds onto her lifejacket
No longer an imprint in the water, pulling away from elegant day-in day-out feasting
Still with artistic validation under the grudge that spawns distress
She resolves to let her breath speak.